Positivity Override
I started my medical transition at the age of 37.
Looking at the younger generation in the U.S. where many young trans people can get support and medical care (even though there are MANY anti-trans legislation being written), I cannot help myself but wonder what if I was able to transition much earlier?
This brings a tremendous amount of regret, grief, and anger. Instead of overriding these intense emotions with things like “just be here now,” or “celebrate where you are,” (this might be important when the intensity is unbearable) I really tune into how grief feels in the body and mind. I mean… maybe for 3 seconds.
What is the texture?
I often feel the tension with an almost out-of-body sensation. There is a fragrance of loneliness, which for me is similar to dust and gravel. I sense the tremendous amount of desire for things to be different from tightness of stomach and jaws.
The accompanying thoughts might be something like… I cannot not accept the fact that things went the way it went for me for 37 years, and I cannot face the disappointment of it. I hate feeling l disappointed in myself, family, and upbringing.
What’s happening is not even the grief. It’s the resistance to the grief, and most likely resisting the resistance. Because I shouldn’t be resisting but accepting, right? Pretense. This cycle makes me laugh because I do think so many times.
It was until I could actually sense: “Of course I am sad, angry, and regretful. This sucks and my resistance is valid.” I still feel the intensity of disappointment everyday ,and yet I say yes to the resisting. I apologize to myself for denying all that I am, and wish to take care of myself happily that day. That is loving-kindness practice mixed with compassion and equanimity.
One important aspect of transition is around attention and perspective. I find myself over and over missing the familiar feeling of oppression living as male. Living as a cis person simply has less obstacles. The habit of 37 years would take time to unlearn.
Every time I would tell people that
“I always wanted to be a woman,”
I really need to check myself and restate (even just to myself)
“I have always been a woman.”
There is no becoming when I am one to begin with. The doctor cannot assign me a gender. And I am not denying the fact that the majority of the world would not operate in the mind set. Do I fight for it always with every encounter? No. I check in with myself? Yes. To be honest, I don't even know what “women” means.
The idea of women I have seems to be very misogynistic, fat-phobic, and transphobic. (Now as I edit I understand this as mixture of misogyny, trans misogyny, and oppositional sexism) Am I meeting the status quo of capitalist, patriarchic, racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist bullshit? Probably at many degrees yes, but how can I be aware of places that I can be aware of and redirect those tendencies? This is so confusing and I don’t know how to move forward!!!... there is another doubt again. Doubt often immobilize me, feeling stuck.
One of my ongoing struggles, for which is worth struggling, is that I have to be one way or the other. Am I trans or am I not? Have I come out to EVERYONE I know? There is a sense that I need to decide or else I am not ___ . Or another road I often take is “it’s not either-or, it’s both.” This is actually helpful sometimes but I’d be very careful with this because this can override everything and basically becomes All Lives Matter. This deceitfully can feel wonderful and expansive. Instead I hope to hold contradictions as paradoxes. This is puzzling and there will be many doubt attacks, but I find it closer to truthfulness. AND sometimes I make a stronger choice to take one side like anti-violence, racism, transphobia. It is NOT always both when we live in an oppressive society.
