How to Be with Loneliness
Transition has come with loneliness for me. It feels l am the only one who’s going through this wild shit rollercoaster. Of course, there are communities and it’s not like I have no friends. It’s just that when I look externally for validation it is difficult to find someone who might mirror my core identities: trans femme, immigrant, Asian, working class… I appreciate trans folks who might be wyte out there, AND I do get weary.
I have had thoughts about the hyper-visibility of trans women in the media. I don’t wanna be sensational. Are there unsensational trans women? I’d like to be sensational internally, please. (I do not have issues with gorgeous sensational trans women out there! I also am working on feeling beautiful because partly it is my internalized transphobia.) Is not pursuing glamor my internalized transphobia or it’s just who I am?
It felt like I was back in the closet, and HRT made sure to feel like the time during puberty when I was alone struggling with who I was. Why am I back here?! I thought I was done out as a gay man… but I knew I did not fit in there. The rainbow was too bright for me. The wyte cis normativity in gay culture was toxic for my Japanese upbringing. I used to reason myself with being an introvert; I even went to queer introvert gatherings. It never dawned on me that I was trans… Am I? What was all those years as a gay man? Doubts again. But I see a glimpse of loneliness in it. Then how would I build a relationship with loneliness…? Loneliness is for everyone, trans or otherwise. I will continue connecting with loneliness until the body dies, I’d imagine.
Mindfulness is not a rocket science; it’s rather simplistic and could sound cliche depending on how it’s framed. The best way to understand loneliness for me is by being with it. LMAO. We are not taught just to be with things! We are taught to progress and be efficient. This is a learning curve for me and continues to be considering the state of the world.
How could I call up gentleness in the process both externally and internally?
First and at most, I made sure that I had friends or someone I could talk to. I was privileged to have resources for health insurance and find a therapist. I am not saying my friendship amongst other trans people is like therapy, but it seems more connected. Maybe I don’t talk to them everyday but I make sure to check in with each other from time to time with more commitment to show up. Often the world gives us cold shoulders. Being able to talk about anything without burdening myself to over-explain the situation is a huge relief.
I’ve facilitated different affinity groups for mindfulness. One was a 4-week course for trans and GNC folks and the other was a 8-week MBSR course for the BIPOC community. Some participants expressed that they did not know they needed the space. They had joined the cohort because of their time availability, not the affinity group. In both cohorts, I felt safe and tender holding the space. It is not to say I will never engage with someone who does not share the oppression. I’m trying to convey that both mindfulness and transition are very tender and vulnerable processes that sometimes require extra safety and support, so that we all can go out in society that’s often racist and transphobic.
