Taking Refuge in Beauty
I was taught Vipassana (clear seeing) and Brahma Viharas (beautiful qualities of mind) practice simultaneously. They are separate practices but not mutually exclusive. Vipassana would be the kind of practice that’s more oriented towards simple — yet not easy— observation, cultivating awareness and wisdom. Brahma Viharas are cultivation of loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy (sympathetic joy), and equanimity. Of course, these practices go into much depth that I am not capable of explaining in words.
“Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. And between the two my life flows.”
― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
This quote captures how my teachers teach. I had learned and practiced intensively for a few years before I started my transition. (Not that I knew that was gonna happen.) These practices quickly became an important part of my life, yet it was not survival. They added a different layer in my life that nurtured me deeply.
Not all 4 Brahma Viharas practices are often offered in the mainstream. Loving-kindness tends to outweigh all the others, and compassion might come up more recently. It is not that we should practice all 4 all together… and loving-kindness is the foundation of all Brahma Viharas. Steven said they are like 4 close sisters. When you practice one, you are practicing the other 3. AND I personally find it easier to practice compassion. I appreciate them offering a wider spectrum because it might be difficult to find a gateway for someone. These are very brief descriptions I have heard.
Loving-kindness (metta) — Unconditional love, gentleness, tenderness, friendliness
Compassion (karuna) — Caring for one’s pain with wisdom
Appreciative joy (mudita) — Attunement to one’s success and joy
Equanimity (upekkha) — Mental equipoise, evenness, peace
Other than the phrases we often hear — May I (you) be well, happy, peaceful — I was taught a few different ways to practice.
Simply tuning into the direct sensation of tenderness, vibration of heart towards pain, gladdening, and evenness through 6 sense doors (5 bodily senses and mind).
Using the imagery in the mind that might invoke those beautiful states of mind: people you love, pets, your favorite place, or even a stuffed animal.
The essence of all approaches is to call up the quality and radiate outward in all directions like a lantern. When I think of unconditional love, I fantasize this grandiose vivid sensation that oozes out of my heart. That could be the case, but more often I feel sensations as subtle as gentle breeze or misty rain. I appreciated these practices but it was supplemental to be aware.
During transitions, I have found it harder to find sustainable beauty about myself. Changes in perspectives and how I navigate the world causes lots of doubts. My gender dysphoria would last longer than gender euphoria. I look out in the media and what I am does not fit most of the beauty standards. I try to audition and never feel like I’m what they are looking for. The same with dating. Granted that it was not easy to begin with as a queer Asian in the US. I am not asking for a pity party because I know my own beauty. I just forget… quite often.
It is true that I do not have control over how anyone perceives me, but trans misogyny is no joke. Often outside support — therapy, friends, exercise, dance, singing, drawing, binge watching, food, medication, drinking, weed — alleviates the intensity only briefly, which might be all I need at the moment. These tactics used to be enough for me to navigate hardships in life.
Now the internalized transphobia and self-hatred override external support. When I find myself in despair, depression, and doubt, none of those tactics seem to work… until I remember to practice caring for my own pain in a non-conceptual way, which is Brahma Viharas. This worked before transition in an extremely intense situation but those moments were occasional. To be honest, in the midst of struggle, I would not believe that calling up the caring quality of the mind would work. No, but it comes naturally when it comes. It’s like Sailor Moon that somehow magically runs into the situation. It just appears.
To trust that will happen, I need to cultivate the qualities continuously without expectation. While I establish my new identity as trans, I want to take this opportunity to learn how to trust the ephemeral nature of beauty without trying to solidify or grasp onto the idea of identity.
