Medicated

I have dealt with depression as early as 13. No, I was not treated at all. I just remembered and put the information together in my 30s through therapy, meditation, performing, reading… I was finally diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 31. It was official! I have thought of many reasons that could have contributed to the condition. The birth defect and the surgeries. Separation from my parents by hospital mishap. Confusion around gender. My family’s financial instability. Trauma passed through generations. And the mind I inherited might be simply inclined for depression. Trying to make sense of it all could lead to more confusion. Maybe I will never know and it’s better that way. I’d like to know just enough for me to be able to care. 

I heard Sayadaw U Tejaniya talk about depression and how it is in the realm of aversion. And aversion is always accompanied by delusion. This resonated with me. When I’m in a dark place of depression, it feels like tension, dislike, pressure, dark, narrow, disassociation, out of body, hard, stuck… 

I have managed my depression somewhat ever since I started continuous and intensive practice and therapy. I tried medication but did not seem to be working so I stopped 6 months in. I “managed.” The depression was simply kept at bay and I knew that. It would lurk from time to time. And with the transition, it blew up again. Not with transition, it blew up because I had to go through transmisogyny and oppositional sexism in everyday life. I was conscious of it now, and that is why. The theater industry is slow due to Covid, and now I was struggling to find jobs and audition in women’s calls. I still show up and slay it in my heels and sports bra. I don’t think transition is intense. Violence is in the intensity of society that questions trans and non-binary people to the tea. Doesn’t that violence sound familiar?

I needed medication. 6 years later, I am glad to find something that works for me. I was so baffled by how I got overwhelmed by depression again and again. I knew a lot of tools to manage and be in touch with depression, anxiety, and grief through my intensive practice for 6 years. But it was as if there was no time and space for me to apply any of my knowledge. It just went to the darkest place at full speed. Before I knew it, it was too late to even take a breath. 

In the dark place, I cannot access any of the resources I have. Everything I knew seemed to be helping everyone else but me. I am not in the profession so I am not trying to treat depression of anyone, but I share stories. Medication seems to be helping to slow down the speed of going downhill. I have time to notice and interject where I can. I still find shadows everywhere but I can be aware of that, and really care for the texture to be there. I’m sure different medications work in different ways and for different people, but this is how I’m experiencing the medication this time around. 

Not to be cynical, the truth is that things will go places that we do not want them to go. I’m appreciative of this modified speed to go downhill. I sense the shadow, and I sense the resistance to the unpleasantness. I call up gentleness. That might be enough, but if not, I go take a walk, reach out to my friends, exercise, give a big hug to my partner, play with my dog… And with the extra time and space, I can now see what is actually helpful for me is being in the body. This can be exercise, gentle stretching, dancing… Whatever it is, I make sure to be consistent. This is not to avoid depression — if that’s ever possible —  but to have boundaries to cultivate a manageable relationship with something that can be intense. Again this is not a cure for all, and medication has to be considered with great care. But I had never made an observation of my experience with medication and meditation, so this is a little note.